ripper24

Well, as it turns out, from the 4th of April this year, Seth and I are (were?) no longer dating.....

We are, instead, happily married!

 Pictures will be posted, when I can get Seth to do it.

In other news: I seem to be pregnant. As in having buns in the oven, with child, in happy circumstances. We've been trying to get me knocked up for over 8 months now, but my getting PCOS (Google it) and having to loose about 10 kgs seriously hindered that. I hadn't even lost that much weight when we both started noticing certain parts of my anatomy were growing like crazy (and it wasn't even my boobs or stomach!).

So now we're trying to find a new apartment and generally just slowly letting it sink in. I'm nautious as hell and tired most of the time, but experts (my mom) say, it will pass with time. I work in a friggin' kitchen with severe nausea and I haven't puked yet: I'm Ironman, yarr!

Anyways, this is just to let ya'll know how things are going. Soon I'll be as big as a house (my boss' words) but in the mean time, I seem to be loosing more and more weight. Which is fine, I think. The nausea will be gone soon and I can start eating like a normal human being again. And concentrate on motherhood.

I have never EVER been so nervous about anything in my life!

And Seth: Well, he's as happy as I. I just fear that in a few months, when the spawn in my guts start moving aroung, we'll be walking on the ceiling with anxciety and anticipation. Weird.

...Well, I am.

Not much to say right now.... Mostly because of me being drunk at the moment and therefore not very capable of typing.

But!

I.... have being browsing some other LJ's and...

I feel like... like this evening when I told the new apprentice at work something, and she jokingly told me, that I was giving her a hard time. But the reason for it was, that past apprentices have been... well, less than what I wanted them to be, and I was just making sure, she understood my orders.

My point here is, that I take so many things for granted. I'm pleasantly surprised when people do better than what I expect, but doubly disappointed, when they do worse than what I want them to. I expect people to do their best; or at least start that way. We may all become exhausted over time, but at least start with your very, fantabously best!

Which brings me on to maturity.

I'm 26. I like comics, gore flicks and saturday morning cartoons. When I have kids, I want to teach them why Freddy Kruger is so much better than Jason Vorhees. If I ever get rich, I want at least one room in my house to be filled with old arcade playing machines, complete with a ball room and a whack-a-mole. I'm a kid at heart.

On the other hand, I've been sexually abused, taken for granted, treated like a nobody and been in a mental institution twice. I got angst all over me. But, please, don't think for one moment, that I'm going to let that define me. I could let it be the reason for many of my past actions, but I'd like to think that I'm better than that.

And that's why I'm so angry and disappointed when some people let that be an excuse for how they react and act.

I'm not going to name names or even places, but I will say this: If you've never lived by yourself, if you've never had to provide for yourself, if you've never had to decide whether you should buy instant noodles or a bus fare to school, you should not be allowed to say that you live a hard life.

I'f you excist on a daily basis merely by the person you've decided to hang on to, you ought to be ashamed of yourself...

It saddens me to think, that some people consider this a viable way to live.

Yaoi
I have gay friends. I have had homosexual experiences, namely having sex with a very beautiful woman on more than one occasion. I do not mind the fact that some people are into their own gender.

BUT!

What is it with some people drawing cartoon or movie characters as flaming queers?! Edd, Ed'n Eddy are not gay for each other! Frodo and Samwise are just good friends! And Legolas and Gimli... Well, Legolas is kind of faggy, but come on...

I don't mind homosexuals. They are under my very non-PC category of "If whatever they do, doesn't hurt anyone or is completely consensual, then they do not offend me as long as I don't have to watch." 

I didn't like it when Tom Selleck kissed Kevin Kline in In & Out, but they have every right to do so. I wouldn't like it, if to guys or gals were kissing in front of my children, but that's just 'cause I wouldn't want to confuse them. Let them get a little older before they start asking questions.

Depression
I've been there, done that. It took me years to ask for help, but now I'm feeling much better. In fact, I'm right on the verge of stepping onto the opposite side of the river.

Because i've been to that place myself, I now know the signs and warning signals, but strangely enough, I don't feel any sympathy with those poor suckers. Quite the contrary. I have little but contempt for them left, 'cause most of the people I've met on the 'Net and in real life have turned out to be whiny little bastards!

Many of the things they complain about, are so inferior and stupid, that they make me want to vomit. I mean, come on! And I'm not talking about children, who are being bullied into suicide or committing acts of violence. In fact, the Columbine shootings are a perfect example of "An eye for an eye" in my book.

What I'm talking about, are adults, or even teenagers, who think they are tortured souls and victims of society, just because people don't understand them or their clothes or their art or whatever. If people don't understand you, then FUCK them! Do something else, if you're that much of a whore for attention! And if you're not, then what the Hell are you complaining about?! Screw them, you're not their slave!

More to come, when I'm in the mood. And yes: I AM a whore for attention, but I like to think I can take whatever You can dish out. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, after all...

It's occured to me recently, through Danish newspaper "Ekstra Bladet": Jews have been ridiculed since... forever. Why aren't they threatening to bomb churches and public places?

I mean, why are muslims demanding apologies from pope Benedict about a quote from before God-knows-when? Why did they demand an apology from Danish Prime minister Anders Fogh, when he's part of a country where they cherish freedom of speech so much?

Why is a country, and unfortunately, religion, governed by MEN, so GOD DAMN uptight?!!!

My favourite quote is: "I used to be open minded, but then my brains fell out!"

Try to accept people different than you, but for God's or Buddha's or Allah's or whatever's sake, use your friggin logic!!

If you're different, but not hurting anyone, then fine! If your actions may hurt someone, then please don't expect people to let you be. If how you look or act might offend someone, try to imagine that some people may call you names....

I'm tired, you mongrels.

My mom and her husband are notorious for their bad tempers. I love my mom, but I know how much she can bad mouth someone to their face. And I love my step dad, who can't do the same thing, but is big and strong and scary-looking.

Those two things combined resulted in three broken ribs on my mon's behalf. She called me when it had happened and I, having had to deal with her former husband doing the same thing, decided that I would no longer be silent about it and told some of her friends. I went to her house when my step dad came to pick up his stuff, and I listened to her when she started missing him and having second thoughts about throwing him out.

I later heard through my brother, who had heard it through our younger brother, that she wanted to let him move in again. Following my previous decision to never be silent about my opinion again, I called her and told her, that I thought that was the worst thing she could ever do. That I didn't want to have a phone call from the hospital or even worse, from the police, and that she had to make a decision right there and then: Her children or him. If you can hear a heart break over the phone, I'm sure her silence was it.

She sms'ed me later at work, telling me that I had never done anything that deserved forgiveness, and that if I never wanted to visit again because of him being there, that was up to me.

That hurt.

It hurt a lot. To know, that all those years of being there for my family and especially her, was tossed aside for him. That having been the only child, who never shunned her, who always listened and comforted her and forgave her, was suddenly nothing more than a thing to be left behind.

I called her and told her so. I cried and tried to explain how much she had hurt me. Honestly, I don't think she understood.

Later, after my heart surgery, I visited them and told them my opinion about the whole deal. My step dad naturally got defensive, and my mom just gave us both the silent treatment. I didn't care this time. I told them, that if they both insisted on talking about the other one to me, that ought to ashamed if they didn't like to hear my opinion. I didn't give a rat's ass about what they though anymore; I was not going to be a part of it anymore. If they wanted to continue their lives without ever having to discuss the matter again, fine by me. And then I told my mom again how much it had hurt to have her tell that she had chosen him over us, her children. Or should I say my brother and I? 'Cause our youngest sister and brother are fine about it. They've moved on, apparently

And then my heart surgery. Basically, they've burnt an extra electrical system of my heart. I didn't need it and everything's fine now. Sort of.

They went in through a vein in the left side of my groin and an artery in my right side. And it hurts now. The operation was painless, but now it hurts. I walk like I've been kicked in the thigh, and my back hurts from lying down so much.

And I can't sleep. That's the worst part. At the hospital, they gave me sleeping pills, but now, all I've got is beer and patience. And both is diminishing rapidly.

I have to call my boss tomorrow and tell him, that I've been ordered not to lift heavy objects for the next 7 to 14 days. That i'm on blood thinning medication to prevent embolisms. If I do lift something heavy, and the artery breaks, I'm in deep shit... He threw a hissy fit when I told him, that he's forced by law to pay pay me a full days work for the first 6 days of illness; imagine his temper tomorrow.

But I don't want to call him. I want to sleep and be with Bo and just be left alone with him. In our own apartment, without distractions of any kind...

In the cartoon "Under the Hedge", do people actually realize, that when Vern shoves a cork into Stella to prevent her from spraying people, he's actullay putting it in her butt? 'Cause that's where a skunk's stink glands are...

So, what have I been up to in the past months of almost complete anonymity?

Well, seth_the_bear has been staying for nearly a month now, which is a pleasure and utter delight as always. Every day spent with him makes me wonder, what the Hell I was doing with all my other boyfriends... How sad is that...?

Anyway, here's a list of some of the major things, that have happened to me since I last wrote an entry here:

1: I'm still at the same restaurant, I've been at the last three years. It's still hard work, long hours and crappy pay, but something's different this year. I don't care as much as I used to about the job, in the sense that I have more confidence in myself and my capability to make a job well done. I know I'm fast without compromising the quality of my work (in fact, I was told by my boss that we are one of only three restaurants in the country, that can sell as many tables in such a short time). And because I have that confidence in me, I can take the flak from the waiters and other chef's when they think I'm slow. Funny things is, it doesn't happen very often. Once a month, tops.

2. I had the skin on my hands examined because it tends to break and blister whenever I was at work. I took all the tests they could throw at me, only to have the doctor tell me, that I'm not allergic to anything. Tomatoes perhaps, but my skin reacts no worse to it than a mosquito bite. My skin still breaks and blister, but I've had to conclude that it's because it's always moist due to my excessive hand washing at work.

3: I have a tiny flaw in my heart, that makes my pulse randomly rise to about 180. Whenever it has happened in the past, I would simply stop what I was doing (if it was possible) and go sit down for a few minutes. Then it would always go back to normal. A few weeks ago, it happened at work, but instead of my pulse going down to normal, it continued to go up and up and up to a point, where I had to ask my boss to call for help. My entire body was shaking, I couldn't control the muscles in my face and eventually the skin on my head, the back of my neck and down my arms and hands started tingling the same way your arm or leg tingles before it 'falls asleep'. 

When the paramedics arrived, my pulse was meassured to be at 230. 238 at it's peak. As they rushed me to the hospital, they kept reassuring me, that I was not having a heart attack, but they had to aggree with me, that it was unpleasant as Hell, and that my heart wouldn't be able to withstand the pressure for too long. Halfway to the hospital, they picked up an extra doctor who was able to bring my pulse down to 180 by massaging the main artey in my neck. It climbed up to 200 again, but at least it was a bit more under control. They even told me, that they couldn't meassure my blood pressure correctly due to my whole body shivering.

My pulse went down to normal in the blink of an eye, just before arriving at the hospital.

Finally there, the paramedics joked with me, saying that driving with me had made them hungry because my uniform smelled like french fries. It calmed me down alot, because we were able to make fun of an uncomfortable situation. And they laughed when I thanked them for the ride.

As I said before, I had known about my heart flaw for a long time, but when I had been examined in 1998, the heart specialist hadn't been that good at explaining the extent of it to me, so I had just figured, that it wasn't too serious. And it isn't. Attacks like these can occur more often or never again, but it's very uncomfortable and not good for your heart in the long run. The specialist at the hospital explained it much better to me: There's an electric system on your heart, that sends an impulse to make it contract. Then it stops. And sends another impulse. That's how it makes your heart beat. Apparently, I have two of these. So when the first system sends an impulse, the second one sometimes picks up the signal and sends another impulse, making my heart beat faster and faster. You could say, that I'm hot-wired.

I'm going to have the second system 'burned' away in a few months, because the alternatives were to eat pills everyday or just leave it alone. And I can't go through something like that again. I can't remember the last time I was that scared. I honestly thought I was having a heart attack and only moments away from dying. And I don't want to die. Not when things are finally looking up for me.

The whole experience has made me feel so old. I can't do the same things I used to, because I've grown more aware of the signals my body is giving me. And it annoys and frightens me, because I have to realize, that I am in fact getting older. I'm nearly 26, so I'm not tethering on retirement just yet, but it's till a kick in the face...

On a much brighter note, I've drawn a bit during my absense. This one came about after going through Fourpanelhero's gallery at DeviantArt. Kudo's to you, if you can guess who they are.



UNtil next time, be safe and love each other. You just never know.

Yeah, well....

I just want to know. I'm not very social, so there:

Good
http://kevan.org/johari?view=ripper24

Bad
http://kevan.org/nohari?view=ripper24

Just for the hell of it (everything translated from Danish to make more sense):

1. YOUR PORN STAR NAME (Name of first pet/Street you grew up on): Paw East Hill (Sounds like I'm making granny porn!)

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME (Name of your favorite snack food/Grandfather's first name): Chocolate Arnold (I can't even come up with anything lurid about that...)

3. YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME (First word you see on your left/Favorite restaurant): P.C. Bones (I'm making S/M gear, that's for sure)

4. EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS (Favorite spice/Last foreign vacation spot): Salty Poland (I think, I would've prefered to have this one as my porn alias)

5. SOCIALITE ALIAS (Silliest childhood nickname/Town where you first partied): Farty Tranum (Makes no sense, what so ever!)

6. "FLY BOY" ALIAS (a la J. Lo) (First initial/First two or three letters of your last name): L. Lew (No comment)

7. ICON ALIAS (Something sweet within sight/Any liquid in your kitchen): Orange Juice Milk

8. DETECTIVE ALIAS (Favorite baby animal/Where you went to high school): Kitten Fjerritslev

9. BARFLY ALIAS (Last snack food you ate/Your favorite alcoholic drink): Peanut Beer

10. SOAP OPERA ALIAS (Middle name/Street where you live): Dahl Oester Sundbyvej (Makes no sense, once again)

But I thought it was funny...

11. ROCK STAR ALIAS (Favorite candy/Last name of favorite musician): Ferrero Rocher Elfman